^{The only winning move is not to play. How about a nice game of chess?}

The New York Rangers come to town today to play the slumping Utah Mammoth. The Rangers are a gigantic enigma this year. Starting the season off being shut out 3 consecutive games at home to start the season, they’re currently sporting a 1-7-1 record for worst in the league. Those 3 shutouts broke a record for futility. No team has ever been shutout at home 3 times to start the season, as they celebrate their 100th anniversary.

As an Islanders-come-Mammoth fan, I can only relish in the suffering at MSG this season. They have scored 13 goals in 9 games, while letting in more than double that. Oh, those three consecutive shutouts? They added 2 more. 5 shutouts, 9 games.

They’re getting outshot every game. The PK is sitting at just about 75%. The PP? Under 15. They’re Buffalo south out there in the Garden, and I couldn’t enjoy that more for them.

The Rangers’ main offensive threats, Mika Zibanejad and Artemi Panarin have combined for a pathetic 8 points in 9 home games. 5 players on the team post a positive +/- score (only 2 have played in all 9) of 1. There are two players with double-digit minus scores. Defensive phenom Adam Fox has been plain offensive for them with a -8 on defense. Superstars Zibanejad and Panarin? -16 points.

At nearly 10 games in, there’s basically no worse you can do.

This is fantastic news for the Mammoth, as teams almost always perform better at home than on the road. We should be in for an easy win, right?

Well, all the pathetic showings the Rangers have put up at home, have resulted in an away rage level almost incomprehensible in how different they are. On the road, the Blueshirts have the best away record in the league (second by points, as LA has more OT losses). Their scoring troubles? Gone. 42 goals for in 13 games, more than double their goal rate at home. Defense? They’re giving up nearly 1 full goal less against. Their PK? Better. PK? Almost double the effectiveness. Faceoffs? 5% better win rate.

Remember how funny it was to read about how bad they’re struggling at home? Well…

Adam Fox? Tied for the leads in points with 15. His tie? Panarin. 5 goals but an insane 25 assists in their 13 games.

JT Miller, who rides on Panarin’s line has a total of 2 points in 9 games and a team leading -11 at home. On the road? Team leading 6 goals, 10 points, +3. Zibanejad? 4 goals, 10 points.

19 different Rangers have a goal on the road. They have more players with a goal on the road than total goals scored at home. Not points, mind you. Goals. Actual goals. Points? Every roster player has one. Let me rephrase that – every roster player has at least 3.

The Rangers are record breakingly inept at home, a league-wide joke. Away? They’re Stanley Cup favorites with no one close behind.

Great news! We’re playing the Rangers at home. Wait, which team’s at home? Oh sh…

Background:
As requested by Austin, I’ll give a better detailed breakdown of what’s going on with the Rangers. I’m quite familiar with them, as I’ve hated that team for about 33ish years now. Snark definitely incoming.

Why are the Rangers so good away and so bad at home?

First a history, because I honestly am shocked they’re even playing well away. I expected them to be bad. Not as bad as they’ve been at home, but bad. Why?

Their GM has broken the team’s spirit over the past few years. He’s my favorite Ranger, the Mike Milbury of the Garden. What’s he done?

Most recently: he’s destroyed the chemistry of the team by absolutely making awful moves to ruin the locker room. He just absolutely ruined relationships because of how he handled Jacob Trouba and Barclay Goodrow.

Goodrow was placed on waivers because Drury couldn’t get the trade he wanted. Goodrow, subsequently, got claimed off waivers – unsurprisingly – by the San Jose Sharks. The “no trade list”, rebuilding, no-one of value wanted to go there San Jose Sharks. He completely submarined and destroyed the value of a No Trade Clause. He also got rid of Goodrow for nothing, angering Rangers fans. Aww, sad.

Jacob Trouba, meanwhile, was left to dangle in the media wind. Now, when I say media, I mean New York media. Here, the media is chill. I’ve met a few of the writers here. They ask good questions, but aren’t confrontational. They’re cordial, if not friendly. New York? The rats in the subway will shiv you for looking in their direction. The media?

Drury tried to pressure Trouba into waiving his no-trade clause,. which Trouba didn’t do. Trouba’s wife and family were happy in New York, and he wanted stability. But, Drury, most legendary GM in the NHL, used the Goodrow situation on Trouba. He threatened him he’d dump him on waivers, too. Obviously, the first circumvention of the NTC made the room queasy. This? If you’re unaware of how bad the first move like this was, let me share that when this threat surfaced, it me feel bad for Rangers fans. CHRIS DRURY MADE ME FEEL BAD FOR RANGERS FANS. Let that sink in.

Well, Trouba got traded to the Ducks, who benefited from the trade and just stuck it to us with him in the lineup, but I digress.

The way in which he handled those two players is viewed around the league worse than what Vegas did to Fleury. So, the locker room? Not great since last year. And nothing was really done to fix it.

Drury also has mismanaged talent and the cap situation, really angering fans. At the time, I loved that he traded Pavel Buchnevich away for literally nothing. Currently, I hate this trade because Buchnevich was a major factor in the Blues keeping us out of the playoffs last year. He shipped off a 2OA player in Kaapo Kakko to Seattle for borderline 3rd pair defenseman. He’s currently over cap, and can’t really shed contracts easily. He traded Chris Kreider to Anaheim (see Trouba comment above as to why I hate this) for nothing because he was over cap space. He’s still over cap space. He’s going to have to make another move before the trade deadline, whether he wants to or not.

So, with all that said, the locker room should be broken, and the team should just be failing. They are… just not at home. Why?

Honestly? I can’t begin to tell you. I’ve never seen a team be so bad at home and good on the road. The other way around? Hundreds of examples. That’s what makes this one so baffling.

To me, there’s really a handful of things that could be going on here. The first – this team isn’t really broken that badly, but the pressure at home (the 100th anniversary celebration, the fact they’re the second most pathetic NHL franchise in history, etc.) is magnified by an already brutal NY media. This is a reason why Toronto perennially has problems, and while it’s a hockey mecca, some players refuse to play there.

The team, at home, definitely missed Vincent Trocheck. He came back to play just a few days ago, after missing 30 days. Him being out definitely affected the team at home, but away? He returned 2 weeks ago, and his presence helped the Rangers get their first win at home vs. Nashville. Granted, it’s Nashville, but they stopped completely sucking at home when he returned. They lost a tight game to Detroit, 2-1, so they’re still not scoring much, but he helped keep it close.

The last, and probably weirdest thought I’ve had relating to them, is simply the presence of James Dolan. Dolan owns the New York Knicks, so Jazz fans may know the name. He also owns the New York Rangers. Dolan, also, can also be compared to feminine hygiene products, and quite a nozzle he is.

Dolan is… something. He’s an eccentric billionaire that spends more time and attention on his rock band than he does the Rangers. He’s hands on with the Knicks – to their detriment – and is fairly hands off with the Rangers. Perhaps too much at times, but I’m not complaining.

However, with this being a centennial and league eyes on the Rangers, I think there’s a big pressure coming from the top of the top, percolating down through the organization. Couple that with the locker room stress, you have a recipe for hating your job, hating your coach, hating your team.

Head on the road? Good night’s sleep in a hotel, with big boss man, media, and troubles hundreds of miles away.

At this point, I’ve joked that Jimmy Hoffa’s ghost is haunting the team from his secret burial under the MSG refrigeration unit. Could be, wouldn’t be the only horrible thing found in the Garden.

Key points to secure a victory today:

Can we score at all? I didn’t touch once on the team’s goaltending. Igor Shesterkin, Vezina winning goalie during a COVID season, their main tender, is posting a .910 percentage. 10 games, 24 goals against on the road. He’s going to probably start, which is actually probably better for Utah.

Backup, Jonathan Quick? He’s played 5 games and given up 7 goals all year. He’s been so good, he almost could get this team to win at the Garden. Almost. Quick, best known for beating the Rangers for the Cup when he was with LA – gloriously – is currently posting an insane .951 save percentage. 3 road games, 3 wins. 4 allowed goals. That’s 1.33 goals a game.

Utah’s played 10 games in November. The have 23 goals. Take away one fluke game against Buffalo, they have 18 goals, 9 games. A flat 2 goals per game. 7 games in a row with 2 or fewer goals.

This is not a recipe for success.

Liam O’Brien? Well, the Rangers have noted head hunter Matt Rempe, but he’s on IR. That means they don’t have a 9 foot 16 inch behemoth who leads with his elbows on the ice. Good for us, no career ending injury risk. Knowing how the officiating’s been towards us, we’d probably be penalized for bleeding on the ice…

Maybe it could be useful to have LOB out there to put some physical pressure out on the Rangers. Give Adam Fox a good blast to the boards. Show Panarin how the bench looks from upside down.

I doubt this is going to happen, since LOB didn’t drop gloves or even stand up for anyone during the Vegas game. It may be asking too much of him to not only show up and skate, but to throw a hit, and maybe some hands?

Hey, who knows, this could be his breakout hat-trick game!

Convince the Rangers they are at MSG This might be easier than it appears. The Knights, a team with a vaunted and loyal fan base of 8 years, had the place packed. The Rangers are an Original 6 team. They don’t have to leave the sadness of Nevada to have fans come here. And, it’s cheaper for a Rangers fan to get first class seats, fly in to Salt Lake, stay at Grand America for a week, and get seats on the glass than it is to get lower bowl in MSG. Well, maybe not now – they’re so bad at home it’s comical.

So, the Rangers chants are going to rain down tonight. Might as well queue up their goal song. Play it on the first goal against. Maybe that’s their kryptonite? Maybe we feature our 3rd jersey and force them to wear the home blues, since they were playing awful and don’t hear the song at all at home.

Oh my god, I may have figured it out!

Projected Lineups:
I will edit these. There’s no news at 3:30 AM and Bear’s lines are a mess anyway.

TUSKS UP!